Always a Rainbow

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi ~

So, here's the thing. I decided last week would be my big week of change. I assumed if I just stayed focused, all would go swimmingly well and I would be on my way to realizing all of my dreams. But, it didn't. I knew this is how it would turn out deep down inside, I just chose to ignore it. I don't think it has to go well, I just wanted it to. I know everything doesn't always fall it to place and work out perfectly, I know this very well actually, but sometimes I forget or, rather, want to forget. Look, bad stuff happens. It just does. It is something I have to live with as a human. Suffering is part of life. Living out that suffering, really feeling the pain of it and not alleviating it, is what matters and is what is important to growth and understanding. Eradicating suffering is just not possible or even reasonable. I sometimes allow myself to think I've had quite enough and I deserve a break and then I expect the break. And when it doesn't happen, instead of realizing another lesson is reaching out and trying to grab me, I get upset and defeated.

This past week, as I felt the clouds thicken, I wanted to give up again. I get really tired of things not working out the way I want them to. It is childish and petty, but I still let it happen. I do all kinds of work controlling my thoughts and thus controlling my reactions and actions, it is what works best for me. It helps me heal. One of the tenets of this type of thought master practice, is releasing the ego and understanding I am a spirit having a human experience, not the other way around. Essentially, I have a higher self larger, infinitely more loving, forgiving, and understanding, than my ego. My understanding of ego is the part of me that is the illusion that I am my experiences, I am my past, I am what I have. Ego is demanding, calculating, competitive, jealous, and hysterical. It is a powerful influence and, when untamed, quickly takes the place of my higher self. My ego does get what it wants, and therefore becomes frustrated, agitated, angry, and resentful. As I sat, facing these intruders this week, almost giving in to my ego, I chose to turn on the television and watch a few Super Soul Sunday episodes found on the Oprah Winfrey Network. Now, I constantly tap into these spiritual leaders that Oprah commonly features. I have a list that are my go to websites to read, videos to find on you tube, and books to dive into and study. I struggle to keep up with daily meditation, but find it is necessary as food. So I stick with it, even when I don't want to. And as I ate my lunch and pressed play on my DVR, I, once again, found myself immersed in reviving my spirit and finding hope. Each interview I watched felt as if it was just for me. Each person was speaking directly to me. These teachings, these ideas are not easy to accept or believe. I must suspend my disbelief and trust and have faith. But, many religions and beliefs require these things, trust and faith. Faith is believing in what does not always have proof. Crucifying the ego may be one way to classify these teachings, but there are many different terms urging the same practice in many different beliefs, faiths, or religions. In Christianity, for example, there is the Resurrection. One must die, in order to have eternal life, much like killing the ego so the eternal, ever present, always loving, always forgiving self can live. Buddhists call it enlightenment. Sufism understands the heart must break to allow this kind of pure love. Purification of the filth must happen and then be replaced with thoughts of purity and divinity. However and whatever it takes to understand this idea, it all means the same thing. Trust in a higher power, trust in a higher self.

So, I let go, once again, and surrendered. And the surrender, the Resurrection, the crucifixion of ego, whatever I want to call it, can happen over and over again. As many times as the ego returns, it can be squashed again and replaced with love and forgiveness. And this love is romantic or sentimental, it is truly seeing myself in others and truly loving all of the parts of myself and my life, including the bad. All are welcome, all are dying to be loved. After I accepted this practice, yet again, and poured my spirit into seeking and forgiving and praying and meditating, the clouds slowly lifted. And yes, they were black and many, this always seems to happen right after surrender or resurrection, but instead of cursing them, I chose to be grateful for them. I chose to see the darkness, as yet another lesson to learn, another moment to gain awareness, another chance to break open, repair, and appreciate the light. I chose to feel the pain, love the pain, and forgive the pain. It is not easy to do, I must trust and believe in what I do not see, but I promise the light always comes through. And as Maya Angelou, one of the greatest minds, likes to say, there may be many clouds, but there is always a rainbow later.