Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Sarah Sitting Down

Twelve years ago, I was involved in a horse back riding accident that left me paralyzed from the waist down. I was twenty one years old at the time. I knew very little about life. I especially didn't have a clue about handling drastic changes to my life. I woke up one day walking and went to bed that evening paralyzed. The years that followed that fateful day have been long and filled with many obstacles and each day still brings new challenges.

After I was newly paralyzed I began living as did before, or at least trying to live that way. Much to my dismay, I quickly learned that everything and everyone was different. I couldn't go to the same places, I couldn't wear the same clothes, and I couldn't even eat the same foods. I was suddenly faced with a new lifestyle and had to cope or give up. Giving up is always an option that floats around in my mind, but I never give into it. I have days where I would like to and it just seems easier, but then the thoughts quickly change to gratitude. Gratitude for what I do have and what I can do. I learned to live with my paralysis instead of in spite of it.

When I was newly paralyzed I didn't want anyone to know I was really paralyzed. I was incredibly embarrassed by my wheelchair. I did everything possible not to have to be in it or to be in it as little as possible. I would visit with people and insist I had to be in bed so I wouldn't have to sit in the wheelchair. One of the first parties I went to was at a friend's parents' house. It was a Christmas party. I was injured in July so it seemed like a reasonable amount of time to be ready to attend a party and feel comfortable in my chair. However, exactly the opposite feeling came over me and it began days before the party. My mom rushed out to find clothes I could wear. Sitting down all of the time requires an entirely new wardrobe by the way. I am the first to admit I have a special fondness for clothing, but seriously, sitting down all of the time makes clothes fit completely differently. Try it, sit down and watch how different your clothes fit. Pockets stick out, pants shorten, shirts bunch and when you are already feeling insecure bulging pockets really don't help the situation. So, my sweet mom did the best she could and we came up with an outfit that fit and would cover up everything I was trying to hide. I remember it exactly because it was so silly. The party was a fun, lively, young Christmas party and I wore velvet pants and a huge purple sweater. I didn't want anyone to see how skinny my legs were and I didn't want anyone to see my back brace. All of the muscles in my legs atrophied due to the paralysis so they are skinny and shapeless. This may seem like such a vain thing to worry about after surviving such a huge accident and many injuries, but I was twenty one and vain.

My dear friend carried me into the party and I had him place me in an arm chair. I sat in the chair the entire evening. I didn't want anyone to ask about my wheelchair. In fact, I think my friend took it upstairs. I wanted it out of sight. I remember one person commenting that I should move around and mingle more and not just sit in the same chair all night. I just laughed and didn't tell him why I parked myself in that chair. I couldn't even utter the words. Later, we all went out to a bar. Everyone was gathering on the second level of the bar. Again, my friend carried me up the stairs, but this time I sat in my wheelchair. Restaurant chairs aren't very sturdy and I felt safer in my wheelchair. This was the first time I was in a bar while in my wheelchair. The entire night I looked around thinking about my old self and what I would be doing. I saw a girl sitting on a guy friend's lap and realized I could never do that again...just walk up and sit on someone's lap. I saw girls and guys my age milling about, moving from one group to the other, heading to the bar and ordering drinks and carrying them back to other friends. I would never be able to do this, I thought. I can't see much other than the stools at a bar, so the thought of ordering my own drink was ridiculous. I sat wondering what my life would be like, how I would have friends, how I would go places, it all just seemed too overwhelming to handle. I felt myself begin to shut down in that moment. I started to realize this winning attitude I had in the hospital just days after my accident, was going to be difficult to sustain. I felt I had no idea who I was or what I was going to do with myself.

While I was sitting thinking all of these thoughts, a friend of a friend turned to me and asked, "aren't you the Irish Dancer?". I didn't even know how to respond. I didn't want to tell him I couldn't walk anymore, much less dance. I WAS an Irish Dancer. I loved dancing. I loved being defined as an Irish Dancer and now I was not. I have no idea how I answered.

Later, I confided in a friend. This was the same friend who carried me up the stairs both times. I told him I had no idea who I was or what I was going to do. His reply was so simple. I didn't understand it at the time and it took me twelve years to finally understand it. He said, "You are just Sarah sitting down." As much as I didn't want to be sitting down, I was. I wasn't different, my circumstances were just different. It seems so simple now, but the years that followed this were some of the most difficult and traumatic years of my life. And although this life change has been extremely rough it has also been extremely rewarding. Sitting down for so long has finally made me stand tall.

I hope to use this blog to share my stories of this experience of discovery and living with challenges. I love my life now. I love my wheelchair and all of my experiences because of it. My injury and disability are just part of who I am. I live life well now and have obtained more skills than I could ever have imagined. I have learned to be more forgiving, more accepting, more loving, more gentle, and to say fewer negative things. But mostly, I finally discovered how to be Sarah, while sitting down.


61 comments:

  1. Sarah, this is beautiful. Reading it brought back so many memories. Even when recalling your tragedy, you provide so much hope and inspiration. I love that you are doing this. Please keep it up! I love you!

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  2. Sarah I loved this! I am so glad that Lizzy put it on the CCG page so I could follow. I remember hearing about your accident (maybe from Allyson Lunsford) and being so saddened because the majority of my memories of you were in your beautiful blue and green velvety irish dancing dresses. I wanted to be just like you. Actually I wanted to be you. I have often wondered about you and how you are doing, where you are and what you are up to. I am so glad to be able to follow you on here. Hugs to you and Lizzy.

    Rachel Geer (Edgerton)
    geerfamilygoodies.blogspot.com

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  3. Lovin' life is what it's all about. So many different lives fill our own. Embracing them is the source of our greatest sorrows and our greatest joys. You are a gem Sarah and brave beyond words. Keep up the blog, it's great. Love you.Chris

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  4. Sarah, I am so glad you have found this avenue to share your life expriences and "get it out"! Seeing your Dad last week I've had you on my mind. I think I last saw you in the hospital with AnnMac right after the accident, but I get the annual updates.

    Infection is serious stuff and how you maintain your upbeat cheerful self through this is amazing and commendable.

    One year I expect to see you and your wheelchair at CCG! You will always be to me the amazing Irish dancer who would giggle at AnnMac being locked in the cold room!

    Come visit! LN from Helen

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  5. Sebby,
    Just found your blog because Lizzie posted it on the CCG fb page. I read all the posts, saving the first one for last, and I had tears of joy in my eyes the entire time. You are an absolutely amazing individual who will inspire many, I'm confident. I miss you loads and loads!
    Hugs,
    Pip

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  6. I just found your blog after reading the letter you sent to Kelle Hampton. I don't think I've ever felt as much admiration for anyone as I do for you! I hope this blog does help you to suck the marrow out of life a little more each day Sarah, and I cannot wait to read along as you start changing other people's lives through your posts.

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  7. Thank you so much for sharing your story...I found you through Kelle Hampton's blog. When you wrote to her about "Christians" claiming that illness and pain are all a part of God's plan, I had to come visit your blog. I could not agree more. God is love. I love how you described each tragic experience as an opportunity to instead expand our hearts and love other people, too. Thanks for being so honest.

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  8. Thanks for sharing your inspiring story. I found your blog through Kelle Hampton's post. While nothing like your experience, I have been through a major life change this past year- a bipolar diagnosis. Thanks for the reminder to enjoy the small things in life. I'm excited to read more on your blog! I have one.... but I'm terrible about keeping up with it!

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  9. Wow, girl. I look forward to reading your blog. I have a client who was in a boating accident and is in a wheel chair. She is the strongest, most independent person I've ever come across. She is a very successful business owner. Check out her shops and maybe her story, it just might inspire you. Art for the Soul by Valinda Martin.

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  10. you are amazing, sarah. i'll keep checking back for more!

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  11. Just got here from Kelle Hampton's blog. Lovely email, and it looks like your blog is going great so far! I just might try that risotto, I have never attempted it before.

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  12. You've been through some really tough stuff and it appears you are all the stronger from it. You are one tough girl...

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  13. You are an inspiration! Thank you!

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  14. Your story makes me cry and then cry again with happiness. Thank you for sharing! I admire your strength and courage.

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  15. Love the title, and the quote that brought it about. Looking forward to more posts from you!

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  16. Here's to a great journey for you and your readers.

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  17. Thank you for sharing your story. I look forward to more!

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  18. Sarah,
    I'm so thankful you emailed Kelle and she introduced you to her readers. =) You are a gifted writer and I look forward to getting to know you thru Sarah Sitting Down. You have a wealth of experience to share with others. We'll be blessed.

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  19. Oh, the tears are flowing. I am so glad I found your blog through Kelle. Can't wait to read more.

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  20. Hi Sarah! I found your blog through Kelle..thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm sure a lot would be inspired through your blog. You are such a good writer. God bless you!

    Rocks
    Manila, Philippines

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  21. Sarah, thanks for sharing your story and reminding me to be grateful for even the smallest things.

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  22. This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing!

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  23. Sarah,
    Thank you for sharing your story (: I love the blog title and the heart behind it.

    (:

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  24. Hi Sarah! I found your blog through Kelle Hampton. Your letter was so personal and well written - you have a way with words - reminds me of Kelle's talent. Thanks for sharing.

    I am around your age and have a close friend who was paralyzed 4 years ago attending my husbands stag (they were climbing and he fell). It was and still is emotional, being so connected to the accident....not knowing what to say or do to help. I look forward to hearing more stories about your life sitting down....and gaining a better perspective from your side of things.

    Thanks for sharing.

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  25. Sarah... Thankyou for creating a new blog! I must say you are a special person... I look up to people like you. In the last six months, my 13 year old friend had a stroke, and after 3 brain surgeries and so much physical and emotional struggling, he is on a road to recovery. However it has instilled in him a richer, deeper outlook on life. I love that. Keep smiling, keep writing, keep cheerful... Love from Aussie down under :)

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  26. Hi Sarah, I too, found your blog through Kelly's. Thank you for sharing your story, I look forward to reading more. I love the title - what insight your friend had! Keep writing please, you are such an inspiration!

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  27. Hi Sarah, I'm another who came here because of Kelle's blog. Congratulations on taking this new step in your life! I hope blogging does everything you hope for and more.

    I noticed that you enjoy dancing and I thought I'd mention something you may not have heard of -- wheelchair dancing! I'm a music teacher at an international school and my colleague the dance teacher also runs a wheelchair dancing group, in which at least one partner of each dancing pair is in a wheelchair. They even go to international competitions. :) It may not be something you want to do, at least not right now, but at least it's good to know about it!

    http://www.americandancewheels.com/

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  28. hey sarah,

    This is a lovely post and well written. when your friend said "you're just sarah sitting down" i felt like crying. I just started a blog and agonised over "who i am", and how to explain myself in that little "about me" section. Now i realise i'm just clare, i don't need to define myself by the things i do. I just am. I am Clare.

    Thanks for showing me this.

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  29. Thanks Sarah for sharing your story. Keep going - you are great.

    From Laura in Dublin, Ireland

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  30. Sarah - I think you've found your calling. You write beautifully.

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  31. My mother is in a wheelchair (stroke) and I find she is very much treated differently than a standing person. Especially medically where doctors try to find a quick fix and not really the right one. She has a wonderful sense of humor and we often laugh at the "incompetence" of the average person in dealing with people in wheelchairs (and I am sure for every disability. You were at a very tender age at the time of your accident and I can see how you have had struggles with finding your true self. You are a very courageous woman and your blog is very much appreciated by both standing and sitting people. We all need education. You are a very beautiful girl and your dreams will come true because you are strong and willing.

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  32. Thank you for sharing your story, Sarah. I love your blog so far!

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  33. After reading your letter to Kelle, I had to come here and let you know how beautiful and touching your words are. My husband is a paraplegic as a result of a car accident, so I can identify all too well with the kitchen incidents. It is a joke in our house and we like to laugh about all the messes! Best of luck to you...I look forward to reading along.

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  34. Ummm. Wow! I can't imagine how your life must've changed at the age of 21. I REALLY look forward to reading your blog. [and am so thankful you had a friend who could point out who you are...]

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  35. I came over via Kelle's blog. Isn't she wonderful? You've found a good friend in her. I found her blog soon after Nella was born, like so many others, but I follow her blog because I too, have a son with special needs. I wish "blogging" had been invented when I was a young mother, it would've provided me an outlet to express the many different emotions that went through me at that time. My son will be 27 this month. I have learned more from him about my self and the miracles that are seen and unseen in this Life than I have from any other human being. He doesn't know what he can't do, so he tries everything! He participates in Special Olympics sports and is a grand example of the human spirit.
    Like you, he inspires others around him to be our best no matter the circumstance. Thank you for letting the world see you and come to know you. What a blessing you are!!

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  36. Hey Sarah! I also found your blog through Kelly's blog. Your story has inspired me, thank you for sharing! You are truly a blessing and will help so many people with this blog. :)

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  37. Another devoted Kelle reader here. Adding you to my favorites. I have a 1 year old daughter with club feet - a relatively correctable condition. She wears a brace (special shoes on a bar) and let me tell you - nothing stops little sister. Last night she discovered that she could crawl up the stairs with it on. She teaches me every day that with a littler perserverance many obstacles can be overcome. I look forward to following your story.

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  38. Such a beautiful letter to Kelle. So glad to have found your blog through her. I think you will be just as inspiring! :)

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  39. Hey Sarah,

    I too came here from Kelle's blog. In four short posts you have shown yourself to be as beautiful and joyful a writer as Kelle. I'm so glad you're sharing your stories with us here too.

    Thank you,
    Big hugs from South Africa
    Camilla

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  40. Hi Sarah,
    I also came here from Kelle's blog. As I was reading your story, I realized that I know you (well, kind of). I am also from Cincinnati, and you are a good friend of one of my best friend's friends. We all had drinks together a long, long time ago. In any event, I remember hearing about your story shortly after your accident, and I have wondered over the years how you are doing. So random to have found the answer on a blog I read daily!
    Your story is so inspiring, and I plan on being a loyal follower of your blog. Thanks so much for sharing.
    Shannon

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  41. I found your blog through Kelle's! I think you are going to do GREAT things with this blog! I am already excited for you with all the lives you are going to touch and all the people you will help with your words!
    I love what your friend said, "you are just sarah sitting down".....
    much love, best wishes and I hope you get that family you want someday, I know you would be a great mom!
    xoxo
    tara

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  42. I also found your blog through Kelle's. Thanks so much for sharing your journey. My brother recently had a C5 SCI and is in his 8th week of recovery. Lives change so much afterwards and I am glad to read about others that are recovering and living life to the fullest.

    Also, I have a very dear friend that is in her mid-30s that had a T11 SCI in 2007 after a horse accident. I would love to give you her contact info if you ever want to chat with her. She is doing wonderful things, still rides, has two kiddos and really living life!

    Many blessings, Brandie

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  43. I too found your blog through Kelle's, I never comment to strangers...but you are inspiring, and amazing, and I had to tell you! I am excited to follow your blog. Thank you for sharing!
    Kristin

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  44. I, too, found your blog through Kelle's. I look forward to more posts from you. I wouldn't ever minimize what has happened to you, but we all struggle or know someone who does. As our hopes and dreams fade or have to be put away, your encouraging story can remind us to make do and move on. It is really our only choice- even if our making do consists of continuing the cycle of mourning for what isn't or can't be. I hope that this blog and your story can continue to touch others and remind us to make do and move on. Yeah you!

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  45. Sarah sitting down. Love you. Thanks to Kelle for letting me know about your blog. You are a courageous young woman and I know we all can learn alot from you. xoxo

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  46. Ciao Sarah,

    also found you through Kelle. I also just started a new blog, I also love cooking, and I hoped that the day would come when I did not want to hide anymore and would feel I can tell my story, because it would mean that I had survived and found the strength to go on, and didn't feel ashamed of myself and my condition any more. And I feel that day is coming, and it feels like fresh air in the lungs. Mine is a different story from yours, it's about an illness. But these experiences, even when you are healed, change you, and you have to learn to live with them and not in spite of them, as you very wisely say. I will be reading you. Un abbraccio

    Elisa from Italy

    P.S.: it would be fun to do some recipe exchange!

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  47. Sarah, So glad that you introduced yourself and your story to the world and that Kelle shared it. I have deep admiration and gratitude towards you and your journey, your honest account of it, and the courage and love you have chosen to have through it and I soooo look forward to reading your blog and learing from you.

    I have to say, I do understand the "part of Gods plan" perspective. When I think about just how short of a time we are here compared to our eternity with him, I started to realize that we dont have a whole lot of time to get to the person He really destined to us to be. If things were always good, it would be hard to learn to cling to Him, trust in Him and harder even to want to stop, slow down, re-evaluate and learn how to follow Jesus and learn what it is God really calls us to be on this Earth. And reading through the struggles of the people in the bible, I came to realize over and over again, God never promises to fix our problems, remove the thorns from our sides or makes things better, in fact at times he has said I will not, and you will have diffecult things and painful times in your life, but He does promise us that His grace is always sufficient. I also really believe something Beth Moore said in a bible study on Daniel, That bad things come in our lives and God chooses to either deliver us from it (that car accidents we'll never know we were almost in), deliver us by it (the cancer we wont survie) or deliver us through it (that terrible accident we did survive but are forever changed by) I love Romams 8:28 'And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.' Many times His plan takes years to unfold if we ever do fully see it, and sometimes only looking back can we see how one persons tragedy, so unexplainable at the time, has brought a greater good to them, and/or to so many others. Gods own Son was subject to a difficult live of service and a crucifixion on the cross. It was not a good loving thing, but it was done in according to His will for the greater good.

    So Im way rambling on - sorry! And I sure dont know if Im right or not and I have gone throught what you have, but I have also thought alot on that subject and wondered why and how some things fit in with Gods love? I've come to believe that God's always has his hand on us and I trust Him still that when bad things come my way, or the way of a friend, family member, its because I, we, someone needs to learn and grown more and thats how Im going to do it, I spent alot of years resisting that and unable to accept my difficult circumtances as part of His plan for me, but after trusting that it just may be is a part of His plan, and leaning on his grace, even though my situation has not changed, I have, and because of that accepting and trust, I have grown so much more of an understaning of Him and who I am in Him. I dont know! I hope this helps, but again its just how I see it, and if it doesn't then feel free to disregard and sorry for the long post! Man I really am not trying to be preachy!

    Anyways BEST OF LUCK to you Sarah on this new blog and I cant wait to get to learn and hear more from you:) Thank you for sharing!

    Christy

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  48. My husband was also in an accident while in his 20's. He is technically considered a paraplegic even though he has limited movement in his arms and legs. He crushed c5 into a few different pieces. Keeping a sense of humor is so important! While we're out in public he falls, has bowel and bladder accidents, gets stared at for the way he moves. It can be embarassing at the moment but we just have to brush it off and laugh about it. This is our life. Everyone has issues. These just happen to be our issues.

    I can tell you that although his disability may affect a number of things in his life it does not affect him being an amazing husband and father! He was so worried about taking care of our son. Like everything else over the past 13 years he just made adjustments as needed. Our son is happy and healthy and loves being with his daddy. "Wrestling" on the bed, playing on the floor, reading books, doing puzzles, singing and dancing, rolling a ball, fishing, coloring, eating meals together, going to the splash pad. These are things that my husband is able to do despite his disabilty. So they'll never win a 3 legged race, there are plenty of other things for them to do together!

    I wish you luck in everything you do and remember you're not alone. There are plenty of people in similar situations. You only have one life. It's up to you what you choose to do with it :)

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  49. I too found you through Kelle's site. You are a true inspiration! I look forward to reading more of your blog, you brought tears to my eyes. You are so strong and amazing, I wish I could have an ounce of your determination. Now go and grab that life by the horns, girl!!

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  50. Sarah,
    Thank you for sharing your story on Kelles blog! Now I have anew blog to be obsessed with! You may be Sarah sitting down but girl you are really walking tall. Hold tight to your Faith and remember we are way to small to even beging to understand what Gods love is all about and to even think we could figure out his plan. Just let him run with your life and you too will be running. You are a true inspiration. Gotta go read all your other posts!

    Dawn
    findthat1thing@blogspot.com

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  51. Oh Sarah, I am so excited about this blog. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

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  52. You are an inspiration! Thanks for your blog. Keep it up.

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  53. Sarah, I am a follower of Kelle's blog and found yours through the letter you wrote to her. You, my dear, are a special person. Using this blog to inspire and help others is such a selfless act. I'm sure it's hard to recall your accident and to admit to all the feelings you had afterwards, but that is your story and one that will hopefully show others that life doesn't end when you can no longer do what you use to. I will be a follower because I am inspired by your courage.

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  54. I have a friend who has a spinal cord injury. She created an incredible organization BACKBONES http://backbonesonline.com/ where the mission is to provide free support for people with spinal cord injury and their families facilitating telephone, in-person, or web-based connections and encouraging growth by sharing experiences and ideas. Its such a cool organization and Revecca (founder) is so much fun and inspiring! Check it out!

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  55. Sarah.. I love your blog.. keep writing

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  56. Thank you Sarah. Beautifully written sentiments that provide the inspiration and the wisdom we need. More, more!

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  57. Sarah, I found you through Kelly Hampton. You are a beautiful soul and I just know you can help many many people that are struggling to make sense of their lives. hugs ...

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  58. Sarah, I am not even sure how I found you...but I am so glad I did! You are an inspiration and you are so strong! It sure makes a person think of what is really important. We were meant to connect and I will continue to read your blog :)

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  59. Hi, Sarah. Somehow in the course of blog surfing this afternoon, I found your blog. I'm so glad I did. I look forward to reading all your posts and getting to know you. What I've read so far is powerful and uplifting. Thank you.

    Blessings to you,
    Dianne

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  60. Truly inspirational!

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  61. Sarah, I am so glad I have found you. We didn't know each other very well before your accident but Jen and I were first on the scene of your accident and I have thought of you often, how you have been doing, and hoping for your strength to pull you through. I cant tell you how relieved I am to find you doing so well. So good to see you blogging and to get back in touch! You are an amazing woman!
    love, Aimee

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Thank you for commenting. I appreciate all of your words.