Monday, September 3, 2012

Jackson

Recently I went to a friend's house for lunch. I haven't seen her in a long time because of my illness. She has two children now. A little girl who is four, and a boy who is about fifteen months. I could feel butterflies in my stomach the morning we had lunch. My nerves came from the worry her kids would be scared of my wheelchair. I know this is silly because time and time again kids prove to be the most accepting, least judgemental of any of us, but trepidation still ruled my thoughts. I rehearsed answers to possible four year old questions and conceded that her kids may just be frightened and timid.

I arrived and was immediately confronted with just how wrong I was...I couldn't have been more off base. Her daughter ran out to say hello and then asked me if she could walk with me to the car to get the rest of my stuff. She and I put together puzzles and talked about the colors pink and yellow. My wheelchair was really not a concern to her. I met her son, the little fifteen month old boy, and he is everything a boy that age should be, busy, sweet, playful, and into everything. Right away he started playing with the spokes on my wheels and a few minutes later, while chatting with Ashlea, I started to feel myself move and turned around to see his little self pushing the chair. He had one hand on each wheel and was pushing them forward, gaining quite a bit of momentum. Ashlea, who is an incredible mom, asked him to stop right away and I asked her to allow him to continue. I was astounded and overjoyed to witness him, not only exhibiting great ease with my chair, but embracing it. It was now a toy with wheels and he was going to push it, climb on and through it and try to discover every inch of it. It was a moment where I felt fear literally leave my body and worry trotted off right behind it. Sure, fear and worry left little pieces behind, but they took their main course and walked out of the door. I wonder how I will play with my kids, I always do, I wonder if I will be enough for them, but this past Friday, I realized I don't have anything else to worry about than the average parent. I may take a bit longer or can't reach as high, but kids don't care about those things. They just want someone to love them, spend time with them, teach them, and nurture them. How I look, whether or not I am sitting down or standing up, it doesn't matter...in fact, the wheels seem to be a playground all of their own.

Towards the end of the lunch, her little boy managed to squeeze himself under my chair while exploring and ended up stuck. We wiggled him out amidst great laughter and I left feeling more assured than ever that I am well and able and my dreams are truly possible.

A few days later, Ashlea texted me and explained as she was putting strawberries on her daughter's plate, her daughter asked, "Are these strawberries from Sarah Berger?". I brought fruit for lunch that day and now apparently all fruit in their home is from "Sarah Berger".

During some of my darkest days I actually started considering not having children and convincing myself I didn't want them. Me, the Pied Piper, didn't want children. Their well being weighs heavily on my mind. While I don't think I am one hundred percent confident, I am sure, very sure, that children don't see a difference, they just see a person, a mom.

Thank you Katelynn and Jackson for teaching me this one more time.

16 comments:

  1. You are correct! Children don't see illnesses, wheelchairs, pimples, birthmarks, they just see the Love! And you Ma'am have plenty of love to give!!

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  2. I am convinced that children teach us the best lessons in life... if we all learned to look at the world with their innocent and loving and non-judgmental perspectives, this world would be a better place. I'm so glad those kids could give you a good soul moment.. and optimism for a future with kids of your own!

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  3. Hi Sarah. I am Karen sitting down - I have been for the past 25 years. I had a 4 month old baby when I had my accident and even though my mom had to care for him when I was going through rehab I was so excited when I could finally be home with him and learn to look after him "sitting down". It's absolutely amazing how kids just adjust, whether their mom is sitting or standing! I learned to get him out of the carseat, how to change his diaper on my lap, how to get him in and out of his highchair and the rest is wonderful history. I had a baby girl 3 years later and had a nanny to help me for the first while. And yes, the wheelchair can be a great "toy" - kids loved my "wheels"! And both of my kids had incredible balance from sitting on my lap while I wheeled around with them. You will be a fantastic mother!! You have so much to look forward to =)

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  4. I love what you said about children just needing someone to love, nurture, teach, and spend time with them. I have two little boys and it really is as simple as that. And just from getting to know you through your blog, I think that you will excel at all of those things and be an excellent mother. I was laughing at the part about the little girl asking if the fruit was from Sarah Berger. You know she will be expecting you to bring fruit every time you visit from now on :)

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  5. Wonderful post, Sarah! You are so great with kids - your love shines and everyone sees and feels it!

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  6. This post made me tear up. You are such a good writer!

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  7. Love doesn't see wheels or limits. I started this school year using a wheel hair and crutches for my badly sprained ankle. The kids in my K/1 class love it! They think the wheelschair and crutches are cool. They want turns using them :)

    Hopefully we can change the perceptions so wheelchairs stay cool-tools instead of tragic symbols.

    I had my children knowing I had physical limitations. We are having a lovely, different journey together :). Best wishes! And my friend with a spinal injury just had a beautiful baby boy! We are changing the story :). Keep believing!

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  8. Oops, wheelchair, not wheel hair- silly autocorrect!

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  9. Kids will love you ... often in spite of ourselves. What a wonderful afternoon you shared. May you have many more.

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  10. I'm a mom of two (4 and 2 years old)and I have no doubt you could be a mother. If you have a heart to love them, you have enough.

    A good friend in college had a father in a wheelchair. He was so proud of his Dad for just living his life like everyone else. He would proclaim, "My Dad drives." and "My Dad is the coach of wheelchair basketball and plays on a team. I go to all his games." He would brag.

    Really, don't doubt. Just pick out baby names and daydream till you can make it a reality!

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  11. An inspiring post, beautifully written! Print it out and frame it for the challenging days, and embed it in your heart for everyday. May your hopes and dreams of parenthood become a reality.

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  12. Your story is such an inspiration. Children do love unconditionally, and sometimes I think we should all be more like them: accepting, honest, kind. The mountain that I climbed to have my daughter seems a tiny price to pay for the joy she gives me every day. Despite thinking I'd be teaching her, I find myself learning from her. I hope someday you also experience this gift, this amazing journey of parenthood. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  13. I grew up with my father's wheelchair. We were taught that it was special and not to play with but our friends always used to 'borrow' it to career wildly down hills. :)

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  14. We currently have 2 kids in wheelchairs in our preschool classrooms and many of the adults were so nervous about how their peers would react. I invited the parents of these two in while I read the class a story about how everyone is unique and special and addressed the wheelchairs. Although I could see the adults in the room were on pins and needles when I opened it up to questions about wheelchairs, the kids just seemed to think it was no big deal. They view them as kids like them and continue to seek interactions and friendships with our lil guys sitting down.

    And... ever since the 9th gr, you've been one of the best "mothers" I've known.

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  15. Sarah Berger not have kids?!?!?!? That just is not a possibility, one way or another you will be a mother to a child who will love you!!! So glad I found y our blog - we have missed you and talk about you and the fun you had with the kids. Actually we were just talking about Irish Dancing not too long ago!!! So glad to see you are doing so well!

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  16. I just wanted to let you know that this particular post was chosen as one of our NAMC (National Association of Mothers' Centers) Staff Picks for the month of October. (You can see it here: http://www.motherscenter.org/blog/mothers-center-voices-blog-directory/)

    I personally was introduced to you through another blogger and have been reading your blogs since you started. I think it is wonderful to be able to share your blog and your experiences with others. We will be linking back to this particular post all during the month of October - and promoting it via Facebook and Twitter. I couldn't find your twitter handle, email or facebook page on the blog to tell you in any other way! Sorry to leave it in a comment :)

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Thank you for commenting. I appreciate all of your words.