Monday, September 17, 2012

Tomorrow

I had a fun, lighthearted post planned for tonight. I tried to write it, but am not feeling fun or lighthearted. The last few weeks have been filled with worry and fear. It is true that many wonderful moments have also occurred, but for some reason the darkness is winning. My endurance and determination seem to be slowing down right now. I've spent my time fighting my insurance company for much needed medication, desperately trying to heal the last stages of this infection, and worrying and fretting about security and stability. I always have worries now, who doesn't really, but some days the worries seem so heavy, so hard so bear. It seems as if I begin to see a quick glimpse of a light at the end of a tunnel, but then a huge, loud train forces itself into the tunnel and blocks any tiny ray or speck of light. And the big, obnoxious train makes all kinds of noise, just to let me know it is there and stealing my light. It is days like these that I have to remember that night on the floor or the day I fell to help catapult myself into new perspective. It is days like these that I turn and cling to hope and try not to let go. I am so tired and exhausted from fighting so much, but I know I will sleep and start again tomorrow. Because this is life, the good and the bad.

22 comments:

  1. Sarah, take heart. I think the dark times are what make us enjoy the times of light so very much. There must be something in the air because I have heard from several people recently about feeling so low and down that they cannot do anything...a crisp fall has to be on the way to make us see the beauty that surrounds us and lifts us out of the well. Look to the light and it will be there. Love as always

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think Chris C said it beautifully!! Hang in there and keep busy!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hang in there, Sarah. I so enjoy your writing. I like the above-mentioned comment that a crisp fall has to be on the way. Perhaps we're all a bit bogged down by the final heat of summer.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Your writing is a blessing. I'm praying right this second for strength and peace and Light in your days ahead. And that the insurance companies will bend and break a little so you can get what you need.

    ReplyDelete
  5. So sorry to hear about the darkness you're fighting. I pray that this evening brings you rest, and renews your strength for another day tomorrow. You are a beautiful soul, Sarah! Keep writing! Love, prayers and light from a reader in TX!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sending you light and hope! I struggled with my own darkness last week- I wrote about it on my blog at Lenkaland, but I can't paste the link. It is at lenkaland.com- search for melt down :). The tricky thing about disability challenges is that they are relentless. We pick ourselves up again and again. Sometimes we just need to sink for a little while. Watch a movie or two or three, downshift big time, and the energy and light will return.

    As for insurance, oh my, what a mess! I have plenty of insurance stories too. And they always seem to get crazier when we have the least amount of energy to deal with them. I hope that resolves itself soon so you can get the medicine that you need.

    I hope today brings you inspiration :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. what I appreciate so much about you is your honesty. your honesty about your story, your honesty about your feelings through it all, your honesty today. I don't even know you, but you've already been such an inspiration to me. I do hope you start to feel the light and the hope that you have been to so many others soon. thanks again for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am a reader in CT. The story you shared recently of your darkest moment stays with me as it is a reminder that there is a higher power at work in our lives and when times feel bleak, he will bring us light. Stay strong. I do not understand how insurance companies make the decisions they do. I had a personal battle with ours over much needed therapy for my daughter who was five at the time. I was told that most appeals are granted simply because you took the time to file, most people accept the "no" and do not follow up. 30 hours of work for a simple "yes". I hope you get your yes very soon.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thinking of you, Sarah and keeping you in my prayers that the light outweighs the dark soon.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sarah, you will be in my thoughts and prayers this week. Seek out the Lord's guidance and pray for answers. He is all-knowing and all-powerful. Plus, Mark 11:24 says, "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

    because of Him,
    Brianne
    aHeapeofLove.com/

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm sorry, Sarah. Keep breathing...keep going...sending you best wishes and hope for stronger days ahead.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thinking of you Sarah from many miles away... from across the ocean... sending warm and heartfelt wishes for brighter days to come to you x

    ReplyDelete
  13. :(

    Here's a trip down memory lane:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yop62wQH498

    ReplyDelete
  14. Reading this made me think of a poem that has helped me in the darkest of times. It's posted here:

    http://milan-poetry.blogspot.com/2007/03/laughing-heart-charles-bukowski.html

    ReplyDelete
  15. Sarah please stay strong- if not for you in this moment then for me. I have a 2 year old with down syndrome and just had a new baby and found out he too has a genetic problem that will result in a lifetime of care- its heartbreaking and my dark days are relentless and I find myself asking why me? I found so much hope and strength in your writing. You inspire me to continue on and find light in my life. Hang on girl and yes tomorrow is a new day; we must live in this moment and make it all we can. Thanks for your heart- truly.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Stay strong, keep the faith. Poco a poco, little by little... you are such an inspiration. thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  17. So honest, so strong, so determined - you have so much light in you! I love you! Keep up the good fight; I know it is hard.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Take Just One More Step
    'Twaint me, 'twas the LORD. I always told Him, "I trust you. I don't know where to go or what to do, but I expect you to lead me." And He always did.
    Harriet Tubman

    Talk to any Christian who has been through a valley, a deep life trauma, and you will hear the same thing: "I don't know how I did it, but somehow I made it through."
    The resilience of the human spirit is amazing indeed. The recuperative response within each of us is so incredible that at times we surprise even ourselves.
    There is no question that life is difficult and uncertain. In the blink of an eye, life can come crashing down around us like a rain of brimstone. Whether these crisis come at a bedside, a grave side, a roadside, or in a marriage, a relationship, an office, or a church setting, the results can leave us devastated - weak kneed and shattered.
    These are the moments faith is made of. The Bible supports this and I have seen it time after time in my own life and in others'. The more we need faith, the more faith we are given. The more we completely trust God, the deeper that trust grows.
    Faith and power are gifts that go hand in hand, and they come from the source of all power, the Holy Spirit. Call it what you will - stamina, courage, tenacity, hanging on, resilience - it is that touch of divine miracle when we feel like we can't take another step. But then we do. We were somehow strengthened beyond our understanding to stand a little longer, to take one more move forward, or to go a little beyond the totally helpless feeling of being out of control.
    GOD's gift of faith and power are always adequate, no matter how desperate our situation has become. Exhaustion, frustration, and trudgery may have us burdened down so that we despair of ever being free again. The pain may be unrelenting, the loss overwhelming, the loneliness damning. But GOD's power is great enough for our deepest desperation.
    You can go on. You can pick up the pieces and start anew. You can face your fears. You can find peace in the rubble. You can have courage. There is healing for your soul.
    My pastor gave an illustration that is the perfect picture of faith. You arrive at the airport baggage in both hands. You approach the closed door and wonder how you can get the door open with your arms so full of baggage. How indeed? All that is necessary is to take one more step. The doors open automatically.
    Or suppose you are walking on a very dark night using only a small flashlight. The light makes a circle immediately in front of you. Only as you take a step does the light move out in front.
    Do you see? Take just one more step and you will be given the faith and the power to add another step and another. You grow as you go.
    Found in a devotional, author unknown.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'm so sorry to hear you are having a hard time right now. I hope things get better soon! Hang in there ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  20. I hate you're having a rough time. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope things turn around soon!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oh Sarah!! I TOTALLY support what Arlene wrote & want you to know I am praying for you dearly. I'm so sorry & am praying the Sun will shine brightly once again, very soon!

    ReplyDelete
  22. While I can't begin to know what you are going through, I have a chronic illness that sometimes gets me down and I just try to remember that the bad times won't last forever and it keeps me going. I hope things will brighten up for you soon. Please know that we are all thinking and praying for you.

    Jenny

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for commenting. I appreciate all of your words.