My refrigerator broke today. Upon discovering the few remaining thin, little pieces of ice swimming in the water made from the already melted pieces of ice, I became a bit irrational. I spewed, vented and complained. Why does this stuff always happen to me? How am I ever going to get anywhere in life if I constantly have trivial and petty little issues like broken refrigerators? I'm a good person, I follow the rules, I do my part, why do bad things always happen to me? And for about an hour I continued to express my overwhelming distress and certainty I was going to end up alone and penniless all because my refrigerator is broken. I also decided I wouldn't be able to eat or drink for days. I was sure of it and I let my mom know all about it. With my neck hung low and moving like Eeyore, my mom and I hauled the contents of the fridge and freezer up to the vacant unit on the third floor with a working and empty refrigerator. A new one will arrive Thursday, but until then this is the best option. With a little physical work I started to overcome my mood and feeling of destitution. And then, as I was pondering my pity once again, I began to laugh at my silliness. I laughed because a memory of years ago, when I was so sick and so sad, flashed brightly, begging me to notice and linger. I saw myself, stick thin, lying in my bed, crying and bargaining, and pleading, "I just want to have regular life problems, please, whoever you who are, whatever your name is, just listen to me, I will give anything to be well again and have car problems, clogged sinks, broken doors, broken refrigerators, and even a regular illness like the flu or a cold. Please, I will give anything just to feel well enough and be healed enough to be outraged about these things." My laughter turned to pure joy. My wish came true. Over the last year, my wall leaked, my sink clogged, my car needed help, I had a cold, and now the refrigerator was broken. All regular, everyday life problems and I foolishly fumed about each one. I wasn't preoccupied with a temperature or my extreme weight loss, no I was just exacerbated with privileged predicaments. Obviously the frustration quickly wears off and I make the best of it, but the relief that comes with feeling well enough to be spewing about broken refrigerators, well it is freeing and exhilerating. One day I hope to be zen enough to brush everything off, but I'm okay with the silly frustration right now.
Oh and this evening, Mark and Daniel (Will and Jack) live on the third floor, right across the hall from my food and were kind enough to help transport cups of ice, sparkling water, and chocolate ice box cake, putting it in my cart and sending it up and down the elevator. Four people chose to take out dogs, get mail, come home, all while I was returning the cake and it was making its way up the elevator to a waiting Mark...we shared a wonderful laugh. Mark wondered what they must think...how lazy he is to not just walk it down the stairs. He called himself Lazy Will. I haven't walked in so long I forgot walking the stairs was an option and insisted they do it my way. I'm still giggling. Sorry Will.
These were my worries today. Mostly, I was frustrated I wasn't able to do what I planned. That's it. Yes, I constantly torment myself about my health and finances, but I am thrilled to worry about them in the way I do now. No longer do I struggle with the unknown when it comes to an infection, I know it is over and the wounds are healing. I now worry about wellness and preventative health and keeping and building on the strength I do have. Agonizing over who will get my measly possessions, morphs into worry about how I will turn them into something lasting for the future and a long life. Sure, the unexpected will happen, I may wallow in bed, and security is always a concern, but to have a day where I only complained about a broken refrigerator, to have a year where healing is common instead of fleeting, well, it makes the unknown, the unexpected all worth it. To know I begged to have these small concerns and now I do, well it makes me believe even more and even better is possible. I may just be getting well, for real this time. I'm normal and over reacted to a stupid broken appliance, ended the day laughing about it, and a new one is showing up Thursday...I have regular life problems...finally. Not a bad day at all.