Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Let it Be.

Out of the blue, because he answered an emergency call from the hospital today, I learned I endured and recovered from 'complete renal failure' this time around. Intravenous vancomycin can do a number on the kidneys and I knew something was wrong when my ears were bigger than my head and all sorts of other 'stuff' happened. 

But, my doctor, he only supported and protected me. He absorbed the fear and the worry. Oh, he helped me and prescribed everything in his power. He recommended I start drinking tomato juice and all kinds of natural things he knew I would respond to and follow through with - except the Gatorade. He knew that was a long shot because of the sugar. He knew I wasn't down with the sugar. 

My point is, my doctor absorbed all the fear and the worry so I could do the healing work. He made sure I felt okay. He made sure I knew everything would be okay, even if he read medical reports that might say otherwise. I'm not trying to say he broke protocol or anything of the sort. What he did, was above and beyond. He saw ME. He saw the girl who still set her alarm at 5am, even in the hospital. Even with the giant ears and the straight blood coming out of places blood should not exit. Later, he would say, 'that 5am meditation stuff I read in your hospital notes, that impressed me the most.' I never knew any of this until the exact right time. He took on the fear so I could do the work. Think about this. An actual person who took an oath to 'do no harm' doing his job and even more. Some people say doctors do God's work and I've always been a skeptic. A skeptic, because they are so profoundly human and deserve this caveat as much as the rest of us deserve it. But, this doctor, has changed my mind a little bit. This doctor, MY DOCTOR, made sure I would be back again to plant these silly flowers on my deck. These flowers I was in the middle of planting last year when I heard the words, 'go to the ER right now.' 

The garden and deck and window box plans are all written out and ready to go and ready to be planted in the coming weeks. Hot pink and orange and a hummingbird garden out back and all orange and purple out front. And, of course, the Dahlias in pots and the awe-striking creeping Jenny's as spillers, wherever I want them. You see, I am allowed to live and plan and feel joy and heal and all the things, because someone absorbed the fear and the worry and all the don’ts and can’ts for me. 

This is what God or anything we trust, and you must believe me when I say anything. I am not just trying to be inclusive, I am trying to show you, our beliefs and our foundations are all connected, whomever we are. We are all worthy. We are all worthy of a foundation and a protector. However she or he shows up for us. Even in the form of a doctor.

My Alexa is so tired of playing the Beatles. I am on a kick, lately, because I tested what would happened if I asked her to play 'the Beatles' one day. By the way, this is the best part of Alexa, I ask her to play whatever comes to mind and she plays the best song ever. Every time I ask her to play the Beatles, she either starts with ‘Let it Be’ or ‘Blackbird.’ And, now, I wheel around the house and I sing both. 

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Oh, let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted 
There is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be

I went to church every single Sunday...after all, my grandfather was a pastor in the Lutheran Church and when he left and passed on,  he made sure I grew up in the Episcopal Church. I went to church every single Sunday. Until, I didn’t and I couldn’t. 

But, then, I, finally, learned church is just like anything else that teaches us the form or the ritual or the way. Church is just our vehicle to finally SEE and finally walk on the damn water.

We are all creators and healers and lovers and all the bits we worship and pray to. We are all children of our own creator. We are all able to heal and be healed. Showing up at church is an act of service or ritual. It is not an act of worthiness. We are all worthy. We are all worthy. Especially, on Sunday.

My point is, the gods or Buddhas or whomever will show up for you. Whenever you need them or don’t want to need them or are indifferent to them. THEY WILL SHOW UP. Your work is to heal. The ‘doctors’ can take it from here.

Plant the gardens, cook the food, love the babies, forgive the enemies. Those who are supposed to look out for you, so you can rise to your highest, they will serve you. Oh, they will serve you.

And, you will end up right where you started. You will end up in that very space you were always meant to be. You will end up knowing you are your greatest gift, your greatest advocate, and your very best friend. Even, if your doctor absorbs all the fear and and anguish and worry. Because he took an oath and he is just doing his job. Plant the flowers. Do your very best, because when you least expect it, you will learn, someone had your back this entire time. And, this someone, was only protecting you and absorbing all the fear for you. Just so you could plant your flowers in May and enjoy them in June and July and August, and if you are very, very lucky, all the way into September. He just wanted you to know you are the very essence of you. Broken and battered and bloodied and all. You are most impressive to him because you just woke up, even when you didn't mean to. 


  1. Awe and prayers. You give me strength and hope. You are simply beautiful and inspiring and real and poetic. Thank you.

  2. Sarah, Sarah, you never cease to amaze me.

  3. An excellent reminder! I always so love your perspective!

  4. What I love most about u is that I can feel u never let the injury I hire you
    Or the handicap handicap u. You are still same first Sarah just sitting down. I fight the same fight.


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